There's an advert running on the radio these days that says "Christmas starts when you send your first card," or words to that effect. I don't remember what the ad is for – hare coursing or something, I don't really care. But I disagree with its message. Because we all have our own unique Christmas kick-off signals, our personal seasonal starter's pistol. And for me, Christmas really begins when I catch my first annual viewing of a particular long-running television ad.
No, I'm not talking about the primal evil of that sub-Spielbergian effort to turn Santa into a computer-generated soda pop shill selling his magic soul for the Coca-Cola dollar. No, for true seasonal spirit, you gotta look to those Mom'n'Pop firms who remember what Christmas is about, who really care about their customers, who truly love each and every consumer. In other words, the major international alcohol conglomerates. Those guys are there for you, man.
You've surely guessed where this is leading: yes, to the winter postcard scene broadcast every December by Anheuser-Busch Inc. (though they’d prefer to be called "the people who bring you Budweiser"). DododododododoDOdododooo, hum the carol singers. And the horns go fa-fa-FA-fa-fa-FAA. Then again, a couple of tones higher. And so it goes, building to that nut-roasting finale: Ah-ah-ah-ahh-ahh, AH-AH-AH-AHH, as the bells jingle softly and those massive horses snort and stomp like Bono murdering “White Christmas” in some hellish stadium somewhere.
You can just picture the happy, ruddy faces, can't you, breath steaming in the frosty Christmas air? Now there's an ad for the ages, one you can join in with, singing along, arms around your drunken office workmates, staring in the window of a TV shop at two in the morning, all of you bellowing lustily at the top of your lungs. That is, I imagine such a thing could happen. I've never actually seen it, or anything.
But anyway. This ad has been around so long now, who can say for sure that this lovely, lilting melody isn’t a genuine traditional piece of Christmas music? Possibly it was discharged directly from the Clydesdales themselves, like the beer they advertise. But I prefer to think a benevolent Elf hummed it into the ear of Bud's head of marketing while he slept. Yes, I know this is not the case, but let’s pretend. What is Christmas about, after all, if not alcohol, TV and fairytales?
And so I say to the Budweiser people: you’re sitting on a gold mine. You could have next year’s Christmas No. 1, easy. All you need is someone to sing it. And as it happens, I know a bunch of guys who already know all the “Dodododoos”. Call me in the New Year, we’ll talk business.