New year, new you! Tired of having sand kicked in your face at the beach? And in the office? And by that girl you like? Then turn your life around, loser! Here's how.
1. Be Psycho. It's estimated that up to 3.5% of top executives and managers are in fact "high-functioning" psychopaths. Just to be clear, this doesn't mean that they kill for pleasure (though semi-state bosses sometimes kill for food, which is why they need so many Clerical Officers). The term "psychopath" here refers to people who lack empathy and remorse, possess great cunning and intelligence and are entirely focused on self-gratification. Model yourself on these people. Cultivate narcissism and temper tantrums. Erode your conscience by downloading the same mp3s over and over (this costs the music companies even more!), stealing lodgement slips from banks (they can't chain THOSE down!), and reading the business news (where the pros show how it's really done!). The corner office will be yours by Q3, guaranteed.
2. Communicate. As the squeeze gets tighter, it's all about "soft skills", which is corporate mumbo-jumbo for "made-up abilities that we can't measure". And skills don't come any softer or more meaningless than communication. To boost your communication skills, copy those kerr-azy Mediterraneans who, famously, talk with their hands. Studies show that they eat better, live longer, and copulate more than you. So wave, gesticulate, punch the air, grind your fists together, wallop the table. Try it in restaurants, in the executive washroom, at your disciplinary review. You'll immediately become at least 25% more awesome.
3. Visualise. It's well-known that by picturing your desired outcome (you at the wedding altar, perhaps, clasping a petrified-looking Cecelia Ahern by the wrist), you ACTUALLY MAKE IT COME TRUE. Far-fetched? Not really – Noel Edmonds thinks it was his scribbled notes to "the cosmos" which got him back on TV, and c'mon, how stupid is that? But anyway, if you're too dull or lazy to actually picture anything in, y'know, your imagination, simply send us a brief description and €199 per image and we'll knock something up in Microsoft Paint. Sorry, on our high-end graphics supercomputer.
4. Wallow. Science insists (and David Beckham proves) that physical exercise is good for the brain. But not many people know that the reverse is also true: mental exertion is good for your body. So get fit already with an intensive weekend-long sofa sprawl with crosswords, a box set of Lost, and some really intellectual reading material, Michael Moore or something. You won't want to waste time cooking, so stock up on snacks. Maybe fetch a bucket too. Now think yourself thin!
So remember: Psycho-Communicate-Visualise-Wallow, or PCVW for short. In Roman numerals, that says 2009! Make it your year!