The Last Word (April 2008/previously unpublished)

Celebrity pre-nups are sometimes more fascinating than the celebrities themselves.  Below, we present extracts from the pre-nuptial agreements of several famous rock’n’roll stars, recently published on Wikileaks:

Elvis Presley

Being it said by wise men that only fools rush in, I, Elvis Aaron Presley, do hereby enter into this marriage strictly on the following terms:

• Time to be taken for little things to be said and done;
• The party of the second part to be held during any and all lonely, lonely times;
• Chairs in the parlour not to be permitted to become empty and bare;
• At least one rabbit to be caught by the party of the second part annually;
• One more chance to be granted to keep the party of the second part satisfied, satisfied.

Johnny Cash

This pre-nuptial agreement codifies and formalises the following agreed behaviours:

• A close watch to be kept on party of the first part’s heart (and eyes to be kept wide open all the time);
• The party of the first part undertakes to attempt to turn the tide;
• Subject to ownership of the party of the second part, The Line to be walked.
• The party of the second part (hereinafter “Good Lookin’”) agrees to divulge, upon request, the nature and identity of what has been cookin’.
• In accordance with this, a joint partnership to locate a brand new recipe will be entered into.
• Party of the first part undertakes to provide, without prejudice:
• (1) A hot rod Ford (2) A two-dollar bill

(subject to the location of a spot right over the hill, where soda pop and dancin’ may be procured.)

Paul McCartney

• Singing out of tune not to be admitted as grounds for separation. 
• Note: ears are to be loaned, upon request, for purposes of such singing.
• Upon becoming older and notwithstanding the loss of hair, the following items to be exchanged:
• (1) Valentine (2) Birthday greetings (3) Bottle of wine.
• Tasks to be performed by the party of the first part:
• (1) Mend fuses (2) Do garden (3) Dig weeds.
• Additionally, the door shall not be locked before 2:45am.
• Note that these obligations will not be voided at 64 years of age.

Billy Joel

• Every reason to accept that both parties are for real shall be disclosed;
• Pursuant to the above, all crazy dreams to be recounted in full;
• Communication to be provided constantly, as per insurance requirements;
• No pearls will be gifted by the party of the first part (hereinafter “Back Street Guy”) due to present fiscal circumstances;
• The party of the second party (hereinafter “Uptown Girl”) agrees to an immediate cessation of living in her white bread world.

The Last Word, April 12, 2008

There’s been a lot of talk lately about IRELAND, the latest smash-hit TV show to capture the popular imagination, as Lost or The Sopranos have done before.  You can’t escape the hype: IRELAND is all the papers write about these days, and the TV news seems to cover nothing else.  We asked some of our staff writers for their thoughts on this cultural sensation.  Here’s what they said:

Rod Reckinball, movie critic: The first thing to say about IRELAND is that it’s painfully slow.  In fact, it’s boring.  Where are the explosions, the gunfights and helicopter crashes?  Where are the city-smashing monsters, the brilliant but eccentric scientist-heroes, the gratuitously nude young blondes?  Why are all the people so pasty-faced and ugly?  Where’s Kiefer Sutherland?  Why does it rain all the time?  Is it supposed to be, like, a metaphor?  Is IRELAND some kind of Danish indie movie?  If I’m gonna watch something all talky and serious, I’ll go for The West Wing instead.  Also, sheesh, IRELAND is like, always on… change the channel already.  I wanna see something else.

Dermot Macaroon, business editor: From a commercial standpoint, IRELAND is far-fetched, to say the least.  No economy, no society could sustain the overstretching and fiscal recklessness shown in this supposedly realistic TV show.  Are we actually supposed to believe in those thousands of 5am parents with their three-hour commutes and crippling mortgages?  Would any government that rich really allow its health system to decline into such a backward condition?  And surely nobody is as obsessed with status, with conspicuous consumption, with lavish, profligate waste, as IRELAND’s upper classes.  It’s a sick soap opera fantasy – but very watchable, I admit.

Jake Yowzer, video game reviewer: This series, IRELAND, is hugely influenced by modern video games, no question.  The random wandering around large outdoor areas that makes up so much of the programme is taken directly from the “Grand Theft Auto” school of gaming, as is all the petty crime stuff (and boy, there’s a lot of crime in IRELAND).  Driving takes up a massive amount of screen time, but this is mainly due to the hilarious levels of traffic: IRELAND sure ain’t no Project Gotham Racing 3.  Obviously, though, the main comparison has to be with The Sims, in that most of the people in IRELAND are just playing out their pointless little lives, toiling away at stupid jobs, decorating their homes in astoundingly ugly designs, and talking predefined, repetitive nonsense.

Annabel Conyngham, literary correspondent: IRELAND is plainly a tragedy, rooted in the everyday, the sad tale of a nation of Prufrocks played wonderfully by a cast of, apparently, millions.  It’s a bold televisual experiment, the juxtaposition of the unbearably mundane with the sudden and unthinkably horrific: nothing is taboo, no atrocity is uncommitted, though thankfully most happen offscreen.  Pain, both personal and collective, is everywhere.  This is not family viewing.  The violence, when it’s shown, is sickening and loaded with consequence.  The sex is unpredictable and messy, but so explicit that it would make Michel Houellebecq blush.  IRELAND is intelligent TV for a new age.  I literally can’t turn it off.

The Last Word, April 5, 2008

To: Irish businesspeople/professionals

Subject: Email basics

Date: April 5, 2008

Got a business?  Good for you. 

Got an email address?  Of course you do: gotta keep up with the times.  People need to be able to reach you.  E-commerce, connectivity, customer relationship management, and all that blah.

But do you know how to use it? 

I’m not asking if you know how to click the Send/Receive or Reply buttons.  It’s deeper than that.  Because there really seems to be a genuine lack of understanding, in many Irish businesses, of the nature and value of email.

Do you ever, for example, receive an email like this:

“Hi, I’m interested in your nickel-effect solar-powered 3.5G urinal in extra large, with built-in xylophone.  How much would it cost to deliver to Rockall?”

And reply like this [sic]:

“Thank 4 you’re quiry.  Pls ring a sales reprosensitive on 0871234567 for detales.”

Here’s the thing.  If you advertise your business with a phone number and an email, and someone chooses the latter to make contact with you, that’s because – and this is important – they want to correspond via email.

Look, if they have your email address, they certainly have your phone number too, or can easily get it.  So if they wanted to talk to a reprosensitive, they would have picked up the damn phone.

Maybe they’re too busy to ring.  Maybe they work in a place where they can’t make calls during your opening hours.  Maybe they just feel bad for the poor schmucks standing in line in your premises, patiently queuing for help only to be rudely pre-empted when, just as they get to the head of the line, the reprosensitive snatches up the suddenly bleating headset, goes “Uh-huh” three times, and disappears into the stock room for an hour.  Hell, we’ve all been there.

Maybe they like the reassurance that comes with email.  It may not form a legal contract, but still, it gives some kind of documentation to fall back on when challenging the shysters who’ll typically try to cut every corner (“Oh, you wanted a dog with a TAIL?  We didn’t discuss that...”)

Maybe they might forget some of what you tell them on the phone, and would like something to refer back to (“Did he say Kilbeggan or Killybegs?”).  Maybe they find it convenient that, by sending an email, they automatically create a record of when the query was made (No more “How late is my order?  I dunno, three or four weeks…”).  Maybe their question is complex and they know from bitter experience that people in busy offices or call centres don’t always listen properly; they might, however, understand the issue if it’s spelled out carefully in virtual black and white. 

There are a multitude of good reasons for choosing email.  Bear in mind also, mister businessman-man, that these same advantages can work for you, too. 

So if you have a business email address, then use it properly, and to your full advantage.  But if you can’t or won’t do that, please take it off your promotional gunk.