As Dell and a gaggle of their fellow fairweather multinationals retract their landing gear and blast off into orbit, it behoves us to consider why we are losing these vital economic supports.
There are many obvious answers which we can add to the officially stated reason (of sluttier, cheaper workforces in funkier, sexier countries): these include our feeble transport and broadband infrastructure, our Russian roulette institutions of government, and the psychic discomfort which comes from sharing an island with members of both Westlife and Boyzone.
But look, there's an 800lb gorilla in the corner. A huge, hairy, chest-beating gorilla, riding on the back of an elephant, which is also in the room. And if we're truly to be honest with ourselves about why Dell and co. are leaving, we must look deep into this gorilla's soft, simian eyes and see the sad truth staring back at us. They're leaving because we Irish, despite our legendary cute hoorness and chameleonic facility for absorbing new business skills, remain incapable of mastering that most basic of corporate requirements: showing up on time to meetings.
It's true. Our feelings towards punctuality are much the same as Fungi the dolphin's towards the Heineken Cup, or a TD's to dinner receipts: sorry, don't care, not relevant to me. The clock striking 10am on Monday morning isn't our cue to gasp "Omigod, late for the weekly kick-off!" and dash away in a panic; instead, it's a gentle reminder to shamble to the coffee machine before wandering around asking workmates "Where's the Hasselhoff meeting room again?"
We can't even show up on time to be sacked. Even when our corporate paymasters zip over the Atlantic in their silver spaceships, don their ill-fitting human suits, and summon us together in the plant's biggest conference room for an "information session", we're late. There they stand, wishing they hadn't gorged on all those puppies at breakfast, watching us shuffle warily in the back door, our eyes scanning the room for refreshments. But there are no refreshments here today. Just strategic imperatives.
“Flurgle flurgle floop floop,” they begin, before remembering to activate their earthling translator chips. “Uh, hello everyone. As you know, it’s been a tough year for Evilcorp–” But we're still coming in, hiding behind one another, leaning against the back wall like cornerboys, sniggering and sending text messages.
You know what though? We're right, dammit. After all, meetings are second only to philosophy degrees for wasting valuable years. Yes, we could have shown our Foreign Direct Investor overlords more respect in our timekeeping. But still we can stand proud and say, yeah, of course I'll be late for my own funeral. What's the hurry?
The Last Word, January 3, 2009
New year, new you! Tired of having sand kicked in your face at the beach? And in the office? And by that girl you like? Then turn your life around, loser! Here's how.
1. Be Psycho. It's estimated that up to 3.5% of top executives and managers are in fact "high-functioning" psychopaths. Just to be clear, this doesn't mean that they kill for pleasure (though semi-state bosses sometimes kill for food, which is why they need so many Clerical Officers). The term "psychopath" here refers to people who lack empathy and remorse, possess great cunning and intelligence and are entirely focused on self-gratification. Model yourself on these people. Cultivate narcissism and temper tantrums. Erode your conscience by downloading the same mp3s over and over (this costs the music companies even more!), stealing lodgement slips from banks (they can't chain THOSE down!), and reading the business news (where the pros show how it's really done!). The corner office will be yours by Q3, guaranteed.
2. Communicate. As the squeeze gets tighter, it's all about "soft skills", which is corporate mumbo-jumbo for "made-up abilities that we can't measure". And skills don't come any softer or more meaningless than communication. To boost your communication skills, copy those kerr-azy Mediterraneans who, famously, talk with their hands. Studies show that they eat better, live longer, and copulate more than you. So wave, gesticulate, punch the air, grind your fists together, wallop the table. Try it in restaurants, in the executive washroom, at your disciplinary review. You'll immediately become at least 25% more awesome.
3. Visualise. It's well-known that by picturing your desired outcome (you at the wedding altar, perhaps, clasping a petrified-looking Cecelia Ahern by the wrist), you ACTUALLY MAKE IT COME TRUE. Far-fetched? Not really – Noel Edmonds thinks it was his scribbled notes to "the cosmos" which got him back on TV, and c'mon, how stupid is that? But anyway, if you're too dull or lazy to actually picture anything in, y'know, your imagination, simply send us a brief description and €199 per image and we'll knock something up in Microsoft Paint. Sorry, on our high-end graphics supercomputer.
4. Wallow. Science insists (and David Beckham proves) that physical exercise is good for the brain. But not many people know that the reverse is also true: mental exertion is good for your body. So get fit already with an intensive weekend-long sofa sprawl with crosswords, a box set of Lost, and some really intellectual reading material, Michael Moore or something. You won't want to waste time cooking, so stock up on snacks. Maybe fetch a bucket too. Now think yourself thin!
So remember: Psycho-Communicate-Visualise-Wallow, or PCVW for short. In Roman numerals, that says 2009! Make it your year!
1. Be Psycho. It's estimated that up to 3.5% of top executives and managers are in fact "high-functioning" psychopaths. Just to be clear, this doesn't mean that they kill for pleasure (though semi-state bosses sometimes kill for food, which is why they need so many Clerical Officers). The term "psychopath" here refers to people who lack empathy and remorse, possess great cunning and intelligence and are entirely focused on self-gratification. Model yourself on these people. Cultivate narcissism and temper tantrums. Erode your conscience by downloading the same mp3s over and over (this costs the music companies even more!), stealing lodgement slips from banks (they can't chain THOSE down!), and reading the business news (where the pros show how it's really done!). The corner office will be yours by Q3, guaranteed.
2. Communicate. As the squeeze gets tighter, it's all about "soft skills", which is corporate mumbo-jumbo for "made-up abilities that we can't measure". And skills don't come any softer or more meaningless than communication. To boost your communication skills, copy those kerr-azy Mediterraneans who, famously, talk with their hands. Studies show that they eat better, live longer, and copulate more than you. So wave, gesticulate, punch the air, grind your fists together, wallop the table. Try it in restaurants, in the executive washroom, at your disciplinary review. You'll immediately become at least 25% more awesome.
3. Visualise. It's well-known that by picturing your desired outcome (you at the wedding altar, perhaps, clasping a petrified-looking Cecelia Ahern by the wrist), you ACTUALLY MAKE IT COME TRUE. Far-fetched? Not really – Noel Edmonds thinks it was his scribbled notes to "the cosmos" which got him back on TV, and c'mon, how stupid is that? But anyway, if you're too dull or lazy to actually picture anything in, y'know, your imagination, simply send us a brief description and €199 per image and we'll knock something up in Microsoft Paint. Sorry, on our high-end graphics supercomputer.
4. Wallow. Science insists (and David Beckham proves) that physical exercise is good for the brain. But not many people know that the reverse is also true: mental exertion is good for your body. So get fit already with an intensive weekend-long sofa sprawl with crosswords, a box set of Lost, and some really intellectual reading material, Michael Moore or something. You won't want to waste time cooking, so stock up on snacks. Maybe fetch a bucket too. Now think yourself thin!
So remember: Psycho-Communicate-Visualise-Wallow, or PCVW for short. In Roman numerals, that says 2009! Make it your year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)