So... is everybody here? That's great... is this thing on? Testing, testing, one-two, one-two... can you hear me down the back? Okay. We're good to go.
First of all, my sincerest thanks to you all for attending this extraordinary general meeting, especially at such short notice, and apologies if the Bollinger isn't fully chilled. I know there's been a lot of concern about the future of our great organisation, in these fiscally precarious times, so I'm hoping I can answer a lot of your questions here today. Sorry, Kerry? Can you just close that door there love, you never know when the paparazzi might sneak in. Thanks.
Anyway, I'm going to cut straight to the chase. Yes, we are looking at drastic cuts in overall vapidity and meaninglessness. Now, hold on people - wait, let me finish here, please. Colleen, please, sit down. Please. We have to face reality like everyone else, and the reality is, demand for our sensational and mediagenic antics is in sharp decline.
Now, this doesn't mean we have to stop falling drunkenly out of taxis or hurling telephones at ordinary people. These are fine, important things, things which will always be a special part of our noble profession. But the intelligence coming from our demographic monitoring partners in Pricewaterhousecoopers is that public interest in the international celebrity milieu has fallen by an annualised 17.6% over the past quarter. I won't lie to you: this is bad news. The time for action is now. Pardon? Why, yes, thanks Kate, some cocaine would be lovely. Cheers.
Now, snifffff, where was I... Yes, of course. Given this decline in our metaphorical stock, we on the Steering Legation of Excessively Beautiful Socialites (SLEBS) have drawn up an action plan to minimise the bottom-line impact. We need to celeb smarter, not harder. That means, simply, think. Think before you adopt another Vietnamese baby. Think before you cheat on, or with, Jude Law. Launching a fashion line remains strategically solid, but leaked sex videos are diluting our market presence.
So think, that's all. Run the simulations. Talk to our in-house advisors. The support is there. We also need to celeb a little more sparingly. Knicker flashes are to be reduced by 60%, for example, while all class-B wardrobe malfunctions will require committee approval in advance.
Now, as previously communicated we have a scheduled press conference starting immediately. I'm going to start letting the journalists in now. Everybody ready? Good. Remember your training, people, and remember also the words of our illustrious founder Victoria: "Like, problee, it's the meeja innit?" Right, open the doors - here we go!
(Affecting asinine twitter) Hi, guys! Welcome to our par-tay! We are SO depressioned about the economy, don'tcha know… Whoops, silly me! (Falls off stage)