To mark yesterday's orgy of democracy, we present a special Last Word cut-out-and-flush Q&A guide to Irish electoral politics.
Question: Why do we need to vote? I'm happy with the politicians we have.
Answer: Haha! Very droll. Seriously though... what we had yesterday was (1) local elections, which simply decide whose parishes get their potholes filled first; (2) European elections, where we choose people to holiday in Belgium and sign away our fishing quotas; and (3) a couple of by-elections, totalling just one eighty-third of a general election. So if you didn't vote because the text number never flashed up on the bottom of your screen or whatever, don't worry about it now.
Q: Why are our politicians all so boring? Can we get some sexier ones, like in France
A: Even with their massive salaries, premature index-linked pensions, fictitious expenses and guaranteed gravy on the lecture circuit, TDs are relatively poorly paid i.e. they make less than their relatives, to whom they slyly direct juicy State contracts. So it really only attracts the dregs and psychos. However, if you're one of Ireland
Q: What qualifications do I need?
A: Most importantly, don't be too clever. Nobody likes a smarty-pants. Say things like "I'm a pillock of the local community" or "If I win I'll have some big feet to fill." Say "refute" when you mean "deny", even though you damn well know, or should know, it actually means "disprove". And remember, politics is all about fighting dirty. You can always win by shouting loud enough and first enough. If, on top of this, you can put your foot in your mouth while your head is already up your arse, you're destined for greatness.
Q: What does "A week is a long time in politics" mean?
A: TDs only work six days a year (although they do sit on committees for up to three additional hours). This works out at an average 55 minutes per week. So to them, five working days in the air-conditioned leather-cushioned Dáil is about the same as three lifetimes in a Siberian salt mine would be to us. Hence the expression "a week is a long time in politics". Also, MEPs sometimes don't get back to their tax-break seaside mansions until as late as 7pm on Friday, if the Learjet is delayed at Brussels Zaventem, and this makes the week seem even longer.
Q: Aren't you just being childishly cynical about the glory of democracy?
A: I utterly refute that statement.